So, ultrasound is tomorrow morning. 11.30am. Shitting myself.

Feeling uneasy about the whole placenta praevia likelihood. When I saw the FS before conceiving this little treasure, he told me that my risk was only 2% - not too shabby, or so I thought, until he pointed out that I only had a 1% chance with my daughter's pregnancy, and managed to wind up with it.

I have had different midwives tell me though, that PPIV babies are miracle babies. Basically, they implant at the last possible time before becoming a miscarriage, so the ones that 'make it' are meant to be.

Preparing myself for the prospect of getting sick on the ultrasound bed...Freaking at how I'll react to the news of PP. *Sigh*

18 weeks.

Sad. Weepy. Sluggish in body and mind.

Since my visit to the Hospital last week, I've found myself overly emotional and anxious. I think a lot of it has to do with being back at that hospital. The hospital where I should have delivered my daughter. The hospital that told me not to go back should I have another bleed. The hospital with the mean midwife who wasn't interested in me or my baby.

I've burst into tears a lot today. Nothing to trigger it. Same with last night. Ever thoughtful and caring husband's words of wisdom "Well, you wanted to be pregnant". Jackass.

There are things I need to work through, I admit that much. It's only sinking in now exactly how stressful my pregnancy with my daughter was and how adamant it has made me to not allow the same circumstances to arise again (the part where my placenta embedded I could not control, obviously, nor the APH's, or the need for a c-section, the list goes on).

AND? PTSD? Possibly? Having a horrific pregnancy, a c-section, premature baby, then learning that my beautiful daughter has a life-long, incurable disabilty. It could be on the cards.

Stay tuned.

On the brighter side though, baby kicked me really hard last night that it actually made me jump!

1 week til Ultrasound. I've changed the background layout to blue, I'm certain this one's a boy.

17 weeks.

I had my first appointment back at the hospital on Wednesday and I hated every second of it.

I picked an 8am appointment because it would be the first of the day, so no waiting for us. Wrong. It was 8.25 when I was called in to see the midwife from hell. She was such an awful person, no people skills. She wouldn't listen to anything I had to say, other than checking my blood pressure asked no more questions about how I was etc.

All my files were there from the previous hospital that I booked into when we lived in a different catchment, so essentially, it wasn't a first appointment at all. So, imagine my surprise when I asked as she finished all the paperwork (that had already been done a few weeks ago, all she had to do was update my BP) if we could listen to the heartbeat, she refused as "we don't do that on first appointments". I know it's only something minor, but it pissed me off no end. I wanted to burst into tears. Is it really so much to ask? The doppler was within arms reach, and I honestly think she just couldn't be bothered, as she looked over at it, then at me, then back at the doppler before saying no, then saying I had to leave.

Feeling a lot more movements now, mainly on the right hand side. Booked in for morphology Ultrasound on the 30th of June.

ETA - They've deemed me High Risk (again) despite not having any conclusive results to indicate that I am, in fact, high risk. VMO appointment on July 1st.

Writing a birth plan?

Where to start? What to include?

* Pain relief - or would I not have a say in that given it would be a c-section?
* Husband to cut cord?
* Support people?
* Visitors - obviously.
* Feeding
* Skin to skin contact?
* Sleeping?