So, ultrasound is tomorrow morning. 11.30am. Shitting myself.

Feeling uneasy about the whole placenta praevia likelihood. When I saw the FS before conceiving this little treasure, he told me that my risk was only 2% - not too shabby, or so I thought, until he pointed out that I only had a 1% chance with my daughter's pregnancy, and managed to wind up with it.

I have had different midwives tell me though, that PPIV babies are miracle babies. Basically, they implant at the last possible time before becoming a miscarriage, so the ones that 'make it' are meant to be.

Preparing myself for the prospect of getting sick on the ultrasound bed...Freaking at how I'll react to the news of PP. *Sigh*

18 weeks.

Sad. Weepy. Sluggish in body and mind.

Since my visit to the Hospital last week, I've found myself overly emotional and anxious. I think a lot of it has to do with being back at that hospital. The hospital where I should have delivered my daughter. The hospital that told me not to go back should I have another bleed. The hospital with the mean midwife who wasn't interested in me or my baby.

I've burst into tears a lot today. Nothing to trigger it. Same with last night. Ever thoughtful and caring husband's words of wisdom "Well, you wanted to be pregnant". Jackass.

There are things I need to work through, I admit that much. It's only sinking in now exactly how stressful my pregnancy with my daughter was and how adamant it has made me to not allow the same circumstances to arise again (the part where my placenta embedded I could not control, obviously, nor the APH's, or the need for a c-section, the list goes on).

AND? PTSD? Possibly? Having a horrific pregnancy, a c-section, premature baby, then learning that my beautiful daughter has a life-long, incurable disabilty. It could be on the cards.

Stay tuned.

On the brighter side though, baby kicked me really hard last night that it actually made me jump!

1 week til Ultrasound. I've changed the background layout to blue, I'm certain this one's a boy.

17 weeks.

I had my first appointment back at the hospital on Wednesday and I hated every second of it.

I picked an 8am appointment because it would be the first of the day, so no waiting for us. Wrong. It was 8.25 when I was called in to see the midwife from hell. She was such an awful person, no people skills. She wouldn't listen to anything I had to say, other than checking my blood pressure asked no more questions about how I was etc.

All my files were there from the previous hospital that I booked into when we lived in a different catchment, so essentially, it wasn't a first appointment at all. So, imagine my surprise when I asked as she finished all the paperwork (that had already been done a few weeks ago, all she had to do was update my BP) if we could listen to the heartbeat, she refused as "we don't do that on first appointments". I know it's only something minor, but it pissed me off no end. I wanted to burst into tears. Is it really so much to ask? The doppler was within arms reach, and I honestly think she just couldn't be bothered, as she looked over at it, then at me, then back at the doppler before saying no, then saying I had to leave.

Feeling a lot more movements now, mainly on the right hand side. Booked in for morphology Ultrasound on the 30th of June.

ETA - They've deemed me High Risk (again) despite not having any conclusive results to indicate that I am, in fact, high risk. VMO appointment on July 1st.

Writing a birth plan?

Where to start? What to include?

* Pain relief - or would I not have a say in that given it would be a c-section?
* Husband to cut cord?
* Support people?
* Visitors - obviously.
* Feeding
* Skin to skin contact?
* Sleeping?

14 Weeks

14 weeks pregnant now, and I've scheduled my first appointment at the 'new' hospital, which was where I was meant to have my daughter, but couldn't because I was too high risk. I am glad to be going back there, I'm familiar with the Birthing Unit & maternity ward, and hopefully my favourite midwife Renae still works there - I have my fingers crossed for this to be the case, she made such a huge impact on my pregnancy with my daughter, I'd love for her to be involved in my care with this one. Failing that, a lady I work with is best friends with the head midwife at the hospital, so that's good to know!

Feeling little bubble/popping sensations now, which I'm convinced is the baby. I felt movement with my daughter at 15 weeks, so it's entirely possible - and very exciting.

The plan for work is to stay until around the end of September, so around 7 months, of course that all depends on whether or not I am actually allowed to or stuck on bloody bedrest like I was with my first pregnancy. At this early stage, I plan to be off until the littlest member of our family is 6 months old (if finances permit) but we'll take it however it comes.

It's difficult talking about this pregnancy with my husband, because he just can't get interested (for lack of a better word) until the baby is really here, which is so frustrating, but I understand what he's saying. So, he's decided that he now doesn't want to know the sex of the baby and I'm thinking I'd like to know - with our first we were the complete opposite! My only reason for wanting to know is in case I have another GA, I don't want everyone knowing the sex of my baby before me.

It's stirred a lot of raw emotions that I still have following my little one's birth. I opted for a GA because everything felt completely out of control and I was scared. I wasn't in a position to completely comprehend her early arrival under such stressed conditions. Of course, I regret it now, completely and utterly. My main issues still surround what happened after her birth, that will no doubt haunt me for the rest of my days.

Following the C-Section, I wasn't well at all. The after-birth contractions were hideous, and I was so groggy and unwell I had double vision and was on oxygen for the next 16 hours after her birth. Not the type of conditions I wanted to be seen in by anyone. When I wasn't well, Husband's phone was ringing pretty much constantly, and he kept asking me whether his parents could come and see the baby. I can't even remember if I answered him, given he knew what my wishes were. Next thing I remember, my SIL is giving my daughter a cuddle and a bottle, my MIL had unwrapped her and looked her over and even questioned her leg to the nurses - and I hadn't even held her yet. It breaks my heart to think about, even now, 3.5yrs on. I don't blame them, I know Ian was excited and wanted to show off little Isla, but still.

So, this time, no one is knowing the date of our c-section, other than my Mum, who will be minding our daughter at the time. I'm going to draw up a birth plan and it will be adhered to - to the letter. I've discussed all of this with my husband, and he didn't realise exactly how much it meant to me when our daughter was born, which still shits me up the wall, but, unfortunately, I can't turn back the clock. He knows exactly what I want this time, without a shadow of a doubt.

Perhaps I should start that now?

12 weeks.

12 weeks pregnant now, baby due on the 25th of November. Had my first appointment at the hospital this morning and it all went well. I meant to ask them if I could listen to the heartbeat but I completely forgot.

At this stage, I don't have to go back until the 1st of July after I have my 18wk ultrasound around the 23rd of June, once that is done, they'll know where the placenta is and that will determine whether I see the midwives at the clinic or the doctors. We'll wait and see.

Still feeling pretty ordinary most days, nothing much I feel like eating or drinking for that matter. I was weighed in at the hospital this morning and I'm 5kgs less than I was about 3 weeks ago when I got up the nerve to stand on the scales! I guess that's one good thing about the fairly constant nausea!

First scan

I had my first scan this morning, bubs is measuring 7wks 6days which is 8 days behind my dates, but I'm not too concerned. Heart beat was 164bpm

I have less and less m/s each day and feel pretty good at the moment.

Nothing very interesting to update I'm afraid